there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize