a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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