I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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