How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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