Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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