wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
