glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize