I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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