before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
