3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
