the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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