oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
