it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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