the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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