I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
