now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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