Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
