Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
