Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
