Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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