I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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