Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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