I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
