There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dignity is for republicans.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
