I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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