I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
