I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
