I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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