wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
soo... how was my night?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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