Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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