i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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