All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
