soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
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