he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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