i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
