apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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