can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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