I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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