This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize