I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
