I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
