I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize