Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
time to smoke my breakfast
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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