I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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