I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
