I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
