I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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