Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
