I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
