Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
