This dress was meant to end up on your floor
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This is my gift to your gina
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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