you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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