At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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