Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
