I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
