We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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