I just cut my nipple shaving
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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