he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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