we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize