Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
