Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
