R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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